After having a baby, “sex life” needs attention

After having a baby, is your sex life still smooth? Has it been affected by the baby?

I asked several friends around me, and they were all somewhat affected: “I was always afraid of waking up the child, so I was very careful throughout the process” “It didn’t have much impact, after all, it wasn’t smooth before the baby was born” “The process was smooth, but there was less time to be unbridled and happy”…

Compared to these “tiger words”, the most embarrassing thing is that the sexual process was caught by the child. A friend said that she and her husband had just entered the state, and the 6-year-old child suddenly pushed the door in to find her mother, which directly scared her husband, and the child was stunned and at a loss. The family of three had their own embarrassment.

The children are the most hurt when they catch their parents having sex

There is a question on Zhihu: “What kind of experience is it to catch your parents doing unspeakable things when you were a child, and what impact will it have on your future life?”

Many people answered their real experiences and feelings anonymously.

Some people have encountered it when they were three or four years old, and when they grow up and play with friends, they will unconsciously have sexual fantasies. Some people witnessed the whole process when they were six or seven years old, and since then they have opened the door to a new world, becoming more and more curious about their parents’ sex life, and even eavesdropping on the sound. Some people bumped into it in the first grade of elementary school, and began to masturbate frequently since then. Others had a blank mind after bumping into it. Although they didn’t know what their parents were doing, they felt physically disgusted. Even if they later knew that sex was a normal behavior, they still couldn’t control their disgust. There are many real experiences.

People who have bumped into their parents’ sex life can not only remember it for a long time, but also easily have a big psychological shadow. Children of different ages and genders will have different feelings. When younger children who have no concept of sex bump into their parents’ sex life, girls usually feel scared or hate their father; boys will have curiosity or precocious puberty.

When children around puberty who have certain sexual knowledge bump into their parents’ sex life, most girls will feel nauseous and uncomfortable, and may also have nervous anxiety; boys will feel embarrassed or have a strong sexual impulse.

Of course, the psychological condition of each child is different, and the above feelings are not absolute. But in general, the impact of bumping into parents’ sex life on children is more harmful than beneficial.

What do you do if you get caught having sex with your partner by your children?

First, you don’t want to handle the situation coldly. Because the child is simply a young and innocent being, not a stupid one who will have no memory of the event proceeding to a later date. But your goal should be an attempt to avoid putting a psychological shadow in their psyche. It is suggested you take a breath, and act calm, and appropriately to talk to the child. The idea behind you getting caught is that you do not want to scold the child if they do witness the sexual behavior, instead you want to try to redirect and refocus their attention as fast as possible to leave the scene to carry on.

Ask the child why they wanted to see the parents and then properly direct the child to leave. In the event the child asks “what is mom and dad doing”, don’t tell the child “nothing”. Or “mom and dad are playing games” or “mom was bad so dad was punishing her” etc. Do not lie to your child. The best answer is simply to tell the child the parents are engaging in sexual behavior, straightforward and explicitly.

Now if the child is young, you can explain this as “mom and dad are engaging in something very physical and intimate and is not anything we usually talk about, but something that mom and dad enjoy to do to show one another they care for one another by kissing or hugging.” If the child says “I want to do it too”, it is best you calmly discuss “that kind of thing is for adults when they grow up. If you want your parents to be intimate, you can hug mom and hug dad, if you want to be intimate with other children you can simply hold hands and hug.”

If your child is older, particularly those before and after puberty, you will have to be a bit more delicate to approach the matter with them. Because children at this age have essentially had some familiarity with sexual matters. Therefore, we must observe the child’s behavior first.

If the child seems really confused then they have no sexual knowledge to draw from when witnessing you. After you get dressed, talk to the child and see if they are aware of what visiting mom and dad are doing. Your child’s responses will determine their sexual knowledge inventory.

That would be an opportunity to talk to them about sexual education, and briefly explain or talk about what secondary sex characteristics are, and about sexual behavior, . Don’t be too anxious or apprehensive – talk to them as if you were chatting about something mundane the way you normally converse. If the child is blushing or flustered, then they know what sexual behavior entails. You must give them time to relax and explicit speak with them after at least an hour of sorts. Upon communicating with them about their previous behvior as pornographic, the first thing is apologize to your child for seeing their parents private behavior, but explain they will talk to them later when everyone calms down, and remind them to respect their space for privacy.

Because from your perspective normal sex behavior is a highly stimulating visual and emotionally driven experience for children. Apologies are customary from parents to deescalate children’s behavior to notify them this was not their fault they saw the incident occur between adults. Again, don’t make them feel uncomfortable, and be able to let them know those behavior would transpire in a private areas as best you can by redirecting those behaviors to private lifestyles as family lifestyle.

Next, we must ask the children what their psychological feelings are after seeing this kind of picture (or hearing the sound)? Will they reject their parents’ behavior? Children may feel uncomfortable or hesitate to speak. It is possible at this time you can say to them: “Mom and Dad understands your mood. You have emotions and temporarily getting had to accept . This is all normal. But what we want to tell you is that when two people love each other, sexual behavior is a very normal and very beautiful thing. It is absolutely not shameful. Mom and Dad also hope that when you grow up can meet someone you like and feel this beauty.” Just stop there and leave room for children to think for themselves.

Besides the above situation, there is another situation in which the child accidentally hears or sees it but the parents are not aware of it. For this situation, I recommend you pay a little more attention to the child’s state after each sexual life. If the child’s character or behavior obviously changed, it is likely to be affected. We can take the initiative and ask the child whether he heard or saw anything. After the child gives a positive answer, can stroke the child’s back and give him some comfort.

Then, tell the child: “Mom and Dad sexual behavior is a normal thing, it is private, not shameful.” Finally, to comfort the child: “I’m sorry to affect you, and mom and dad wll pay attention to protect their privacy in the future.”

How to avoid being discovered by children having sex?

No matter how many remedial measures, they can not erase what the child see or hear, they can only reduce the psychological shadow that he has. How to avoid being found by the children? I summarize the 4 key point for your reference:

Do no sex when children are nearby. An older brother said developing sexual behavior with his wife at 12 o’clock midnight, his 3-year-old son who slept suddenly woke up and said to them, “You are really good at playing”. I feel suffocated even through the screen. So as long as children are nearby, no matter how late or how soundly they sleep, do not having sex.

As early as possible, sleep in separate rooms from your children. Usually, after you sleeping with children, going to another room to having sex will make children feel insecure defending when they wake up. If children grow up and had a conscience, they will blame themselves for not being sensible. And if conditions allow, children can sleep in separate room after 3 years old.

Lower the activity volume. Many people who have caught their parents having sex said that seeing it isn’t the scariest thing — the sound is. It is quiet at night and the noise will be echoed. If you’ll tolerate having too much loud activity noise unless you can be confident the house is well insulated for sound.

Create boundaries of privacy with your children. After your child turns 3 years old you can slowly implement household rules that give the child an idea of privacy boundaries – for example: if the parents’ bedroom door is closed, the child should knock or ask to come in and not just walk in when there is an interaction; do not tell others what the parents say or do in the home. If you are able to accomplish the above 4 ideas you can pretty much develop a safe space to have sex.

Having sex life with more and more things may be a bit depressing for sure. But what the heck, there is give and take. When you have a child, you loose some of the opportunities for freedom and enjoyment. If the children are happening to be home, keep in mind they are people, and consider their feelings in your intimacy expendition.