I can’t really fake being “sexually satisfied” after being forced to “orgasm”

I am now 29 years old and I have been married twice. I got married for the first time when I was only 22 years old. At that age, marriage was like a huge honey pot for me. I wasn’t just completely immersed in it; I was swimming in it. I felt that the air I breathed in and exhaled was sweet and sticky. My ex-husband was the type of guy that many girls would have envied. He was 1.78 meters tall, he had fair skin, and a refreshing aura about him, plus he had a great job. At 27 years old, he was already a department manager of a communications company. The thing that touched my heart about my ex-husband was that he genuinely loved me. He often hugged me, kissed me, and all that mushy stuff. A girlfriend of mine said that was a blessing I had accrued in my past life.

No one imagined I had to end it with such a great man 2 years ago. People say marriage has the 7 years itch; we only lasted 5 years. For me, it hurt. I really didn’t expect my ex-husband to cheat on me.

Although I recognize that marriage cheating is pretty common nowadays, I just could not reconcile why my ex-husband cheated on me. He genuinely loved me, he thought I was beautiful, and I was genuinely tender and loving, so why on earth would he want another woman? She could not have been better than me.

It was from his cell phone that the secret of my ex-husband’s infidelity was discovered. One day, he was taking a nap at home, he woke up, got ready, and went to work without his cell phone. On his way to work, I remembered that I needed to bring some documentation with me to the unit, so I went back home. In my search for the items I needed to take with me to work, I spotted my ex-husband’s cell phone. Since he had left the phone there, I decided to take a detour to deliver it to him, and I just wanted to tease him while also having his cell phone – I called his office using his cell phone.

As soon as I turned my cell phone back on, I received a text message, and every word seemed to shoot into my eyes like bullets: “Hao, do you really believe that it’s good to be with me? I’m actually very satisfied.”

I was immediately dumbfounded, sitting on the bed, my heart’s temperature dropped to freezing point, and my mind went blank. At that moment, my ex-husband had come back hurriedly to get his phone. When he saw my state, he was stunned for a moment, and quickly grabbed his phone, trembling – asking me what was wrong. I stayed silent while tears rolled down my face. My ex-husband looked at the message on his phone and stood there, frozen.
That afternoon, we both took the day off of work. My ex-husband admitted that he cheated on me, but he didn’t say why he made the mistake. He simply said he won’t speak with the woman anymore and begged me to forgive him. I didn’t say anything and simply cried.
I could not forgive him. I could not tolerate any sand in my eyes. In front of my ex-husband I became cold and taciturn, and in bed, absolutely frigid. When he wanted to have sex, I was like a puppet, because the thought of him with her, made the blood leave my body.
Eventually, my ex-husband also became cold. He wisely kept his distance when we went to bed and basically stopped asking for sex. During the day at home, my ex-husband didn’t even dare to make eye contact anymore, and the couple became strangers. After six months, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get a divorce.
On the day of the divorce, I shed tears. I told my ex-husband, “Maybe I take loyalty too much at face value, I can’t help it though. I just want to ask you a question, why did you do that?” My ex-husband started crying as well, only he never answered my question.

My current husband noticed the clue.

The second marriage occurred last winter, and I had an acquaintance introduce us. I was a bit hesitant. I had never married a man ten years my senior before. The acquaintance assured me men much older than myself are considerate. He also added that the man’s previous wife would often compliment her husband in front of others, and she also appeared very happy. Unfortunately, she died in a car accident before she could enjoy her good husband.

To be fair, facts show that my remarried husband is considerate and has taken good care of me. My husband is very fit and strong – full of energy. I think in bed he is much better than my ex-husband. But where I got confused was based on my husband being strong.

Actually, my husband looked confused first, and of course he played it off. After the event was over and he caught his breath beside me, he had an arm around my body still and asked me a little quietly, “Are you satisfied with me?” I cuddled beside him and said, “I think you are so good, I am worried you are not satisfied with me.” He paused a moment and said, “I want to ask, just by this event, do you think I can satisfy you?” I buried my face in his chest and said, “You’re a real man.” He paused a moment again, and said softer, “But I have not been able to make you orgasm.” I pinched him in his chest and said, “Am I not always intoxicated? That is the orgasm.” He did not say anymore, but just held me with both arms close.

For the next few days I kept thinking about my husband’s question, and I became increasingly uneasy. Was I making my husband feel a difference between husband and wife matters than was done with his original wife?

Eventually, after questioning my husband countless times, he was able to share with me the difference. His first wife would always orgasm almost every sexual act the two had together. My husband then confirmed it, because she would often tremble repeatedly, like an electric shock. After which my husband consoled me stating everyone is different, and possibly it is him creating the problem.

My anxiety grew in intensity. After my first marriage, I never once experienced the type of orgasm that could cause a body sensation like an electric shock, nor did I ever have a full body tremble. In this growing state of anxiety, I suddenly remembered the text message in my ex-husband’s cell phone and the words of the third party of the woman: “Do you really think you are so good with me…”

Could it be that my ex-husband’s cheating was partly my fault? Some degree of pretending to be good or not, seems to be the real question.

I did something that surprised even me. I went to confront the third party who tempted my ex-husband to cheat. I told her I no longer hated her, but could she now, with the heart of a woman, tell me how good my husband was with her, and if there was any sense of “good” that maybe I didn’t provide. After hesitation she finally told me, “When he told me he felt really good with me, I asked him if he felt bad with his wife. But, he denied to answer.

After this she then asked me,” Did you fail to satisfy him in your married life?” I said quietly to her “No way? We were both very devoted. But, NO, I have never had that electric shock feeling.” She looked at me quite seriously, and she said, “That is now what you mulled over as, an orgasm. You have never had an orgasm?” I shook my head. She then put together her thoughts for a moment, “Well, some men value women’s orgasms, and without this state of sexual conceptualization they will feel like their effort has not been rewarded itself the most. I pondered this as I wasn’t speaking.

I felt a tiny amount of good will or gratitude for the now not so random person who ruined my marriage. She helped me to discover my own problem, attending to my attention to this problem when I became remarried. Additionally, I need to not to let my second husband feel regret for marrying me. I have to hope to give him the “greatest reward” he can achieve in a sexual situation.

I concluded even if I needed to pretend, I had to pretend I had an orgasm.

Naturally, I had to fake it and act as if nothing had happened so that my husband would not have any further reason to be suspicious. When we had sex again, I whispered in my husband ear, “It’s alright, take your time; I will orgasm.” My husband calmed me down with the response, “It’s alright if you don’t orgasm; just try a little longer.” While my husband did last longer, I held him tighter and flinched for a few moments after and it showed that he was also getting “severe” and the climax was very visible.

I could tell that my “orgasm” made my husband feel very satisfied and I also felt bad about my husband’s kind, but troublesome, behavior toward me. I felt even more unsettled in my heart. To be frank, the longer I had sex with my husband, the more uncomfortable it would become. However, if I didn’t last for a little while, how would I fake the orgasm. In the end, I wasn’t sure if continuing to mimic an orgasm was the right choice.